In addition to being a world-renowned comedian, talk show host, philanthropist, husband and father, Steve Harvey is the Chief Love Officer of online dating site Delightful. He draws on his personal experiences and the stories that millions of people have shared with him over the years to help more people find and keep the love they deserve.
You’ve been dating a guy for several months, and you really like him. He’s funny and sexy and your stomach does that little flip thing when a text from pops up on your phone. But all is not perfect. You’re not getting as much attention as you’d like to feel completely secure. You know he’s holding something back and it’s making you crazy.
Don’t ignore your feelings. Not every new relationship is going to make it, and you want to be sure you keep a clear head while you decide if your new guy really deserves your heart. If you’re having a hard time trusting your gut, trust me instead and look for one of these signs it’s time to move on.
1. He’s not interested in meeting your family. A guy who sees you as part of his long term plan won’t be hesitant to meet your family. He might be nervous to meet your children or your parents, but he’ll do it, and he’ll do it without a lot of drama and fuss. A man who does NOT see you as part of his life, however, has little interest in getting to know your people because a day at the park with your children isn’t exactly on his bucket list.
If you’ve brought up meeting your family more than twice and it still hasn’t happened, it’s time to move on.
2. He cancels plans. If your man is regularly canceling plans you’ve made together, something’s not right. It’s one thing to have a busy week or two at work, but if cancellations have become the new normal, you have to ask yourself what’s really going on. Either he’s got another woman on the line or he’s simply decided that other commitments in his life are more important than the ones he’s made to you.
It’s a big deal to plan a weekend away together–you might need to line up childcare or find a pet sitter or even get a day off of work to make it all happen. If he cancels, it is time to move on and take that weekend getaway with a girlfriend who is much more reliable.
3. He makes minimal effort to make you happy. If your new man knows your birthday is coming up and makes no special plans for that day or doesn’t so much as get you a card, you know where you stand and it is not good. Even if birthdays were never a big deal in his family, he knows that the woman in his life deserves a little celebrating on her special day. He knows.
Your man should want to put a smile on your face every time he sees you. I’m not talking about showering you with gifts, but I am talking an honest effort to make you happy. He should want to take you to the restaurant you love. He should know your favorite flower. He should put some creativity into romancing you. Let him. And if he makes no effort, keep moving.
If the main way your new guy communicates with you is through text messages, you have a problem. If you find yourself often “just hanging out” with him with no specific plans, you have a problem.
The amount of effort a man puts in to his relationship with you reveals a lot. If he’s lazy right from the beginning on this point, do you really think things are going to improve over time as he gets more and more used to you being around, putting up with less than his best? The answer is no and you know it. Move on.
4. He’s not financially secure and has no plan to change. A man who is constantly short of money is not the man for you. Unless you’re both college students, it is unacceptable for a man to be unable to pay his way and more.
While we all understand short term setbacks, I’m sure you know the difference between a man who is in a rough spot thanks to an unexpected layoff and a man who just can’t get his act together. If you’ve been with a man for several months who constantly bemoans his lack of funds, move on.
You may feel like a cold piece of work walking away from a man who has no money, but to me, it’s only reasonable. It’s just not worth it to let his lack of planning and ambition become your problem too.
5. His view on relationships is very different from your own. Ask your man about how he feels about all kinds of relationships, from the one he has with his parents to the one he has with his community. You want to know how he gets along with his mother, don’t you?
You’re trying to find out if the two of you share the same values. If he has a dim view of commitment and loyalty, you’ll find out when he’s evasive or jokey. If most of the relationships in his life are rocky or inconsistent, there’s a reason. You don’t want to add yourself to the list.
6. He has no specific goals. In my book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, two of the five questions I tell a woman to ask a man before she gets in too deep have to do with goals. Goals are everything. Goals tell you who a man is and where he’s going. Goals tell you where you might fit in his big picture.
A man with a plan is passionate and interesting. He’ll love to talk about his goals, both short and long term, and as he talks you’ll be able to figure out if he’s serious about where he wants to go and if the steps he describes to get there are realistic. You’ve been around the block enough times to know when someone’s a dreamer. Pay attention when your new man talks about his future and listen for concrete action. If you only hear a lot of BS, keep moving.
7. He won’t answer your questions straight up. It is perfectly acceptable–and very smart–to ask a man a few questions after you’ve had several dates to get to know each other. Questions about his intentions and about what he thinks about you are just fine. If he’s evasive or answers your questions with a joke, that’s a sign he’s probably not worth your time.
Men know what they want and make decisions all the time about where you fit into the big picture. If his feelings about you are lukewarm, take a step back until you’re both on the same page.
8. He holds out on a commitment to you. I’m sure you’ve seen men around town who regularly see more than one woman. You might even feel badly for his women, wondering what they’re thinking to allow themselves to be part of a crowd like that. But what about your own situation? Have you asked your own man where your relationship is going? Have you asked him about exclusivity?
The thing that women who are one of many have in common is failing to ask. Somewhere deep inside, they know they aren’t going to like the answer to the question “What are your intentions?” so they don’t ask. If your man isn’t clear about his commitment to you, don’t let him string you along. He’s not worth your time.